i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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