Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize