so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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