Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
