Need sex. Gaining weight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
