If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
