Taylor Swift is so right about you.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my being single is dangerous.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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