I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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