this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize