3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
