We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
