When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
