my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drake has all the answers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
