I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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