did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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