I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
