Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
