apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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