my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
