Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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