I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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