drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
