So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
