I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Less talking, more tequila
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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