I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
