I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think my moral compass just broke
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
