Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got inside last night via doggy door
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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