dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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