I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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