I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
