I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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