I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
