Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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