i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
