I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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