Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
