Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Found your dick twin last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
