Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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