How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
