omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
