i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
