why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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