im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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