he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
