I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
