if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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