She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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