Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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