I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
