I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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