anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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