when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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