I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
