quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
