I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
