Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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