is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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