I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
