she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
